As y’all are probably aware, I am bi-polar.
I still dislike saying that. I wonder if I’ll ever truly become comfortable with it. Who knows.
Anyway, y’all are also probably aware that symptoms didn’t show up until after Greta was born. I probably had symptoms prior to that, but it’s hard to discern what is just my personality (let’s get after this! With gusto!) and what is a hypo-manic bi-polar swing. I really don’t remember any depression swings prior to Greta (which is why I had no idea why I was having the thoughts I was having after she was born). But again, who knows – maybe I had mini-swings and just didn’t recognize them.
|This weekend at Nate’s City of Lakes Loppet skate race.|
My major symptoms have occurred during hormone surges: becoming pregnant, stopping breastfeeding, etc. Since being off of mediation for the last ~12 months I’ve noticed some very small bi-polar swings. There haven’t been many of them. There are just days where I am uninterested in the things I’m normally passionate about, followed by a day or so where I feel back to normal, able to pour myself into everything as usual – but able to do so on just 4 hours of sleep. I’m guessing all of those instances were brought on by changing hormone levels. It’s impossible to tell.
|Yep, just a whole bunch of Anna pictures. Just because.|
The plan was for me to breastfeed for ~2-3 months after Anna arrived, depending on how it went. So far, it has gone well. I have been able to keep my supply up, despite steadily increasing my mileage (this week I’m shooting for 70 MPW!). I’m really proud of that! Anna is now almost 4 months, so I’ve surpassed our original goal/plan.
At some point, I need to go back on my medications. That means I’ll need to stop nursing, as lithium is excreted in breast milk.
I have rescheduled my psychiatrist appointment twice now, both for legitimate reasons. The first there was an ice and snow storm that came in the night before and Google estimated an 1:50 drive to the appointment. The next time I rescheduled because I had been up at 2am the night before throwing up. I figured Dr. Bond didn’t want to see me with the stomach flu.
So – now my appointment is next week. Yay (sarcasm).
Problem is, I don’t want to give up nursing. I just can’t picture myself stopping – not next week, and not the week after. Maybe in a month? Do I go in to my appointment next week and tell Dr. Bond that? That I just need another month? I think he would be okay with that, but then the question becomes: what is going to change in a month that will make me more okay with stopping breastfeeding? I don’t know that anything is going to change. My supply will likely still be good, I’ll still really enjoy nursing/cuddling with her/staring at her while she nurses…
It’s been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I don’t know what the right answer is, and there likely isn’t one. So, instead, I’ll cherish today’s opportunity! There’s no use in dreading the inevitable, right?